a solution focused way to fall in love with anyone

I wanted to share a New York Times Modern Love column "To Fall in Love With Anyone,  Do This”  by  Mandy Lin Catron that describes practices that can be called solution focused.

Catron describes how she and her (now) partner, already somewhat interested in each other, got much closer and eventually fell in love, using some of these instructions:

• "alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of  your partner, a total of 5 things"
•  “tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met”.

They took turns asking each other questions from an original study by Dr. Arthur Aron, which describes "a practical methodology for creating closeness" in which pre-selected pairs of college students carry out a series self-disclosing and relationship-building tasks of gradually increasing intensity (small steps).

The study describes how practices that could be considered solution focused were used to create closeness in a short (45 minute) time frame. The instructions begin: "We believe that the best way for you to get close to your partner is for you to share with them and for them to share with you.” and goes on to discuss how closeness produced in the studies "seems similar in many important ways to the felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time", defining closeness as “including other in the self”, an interconnectedness of self and other, a process in which people feel “validated, understood and cared for”.

Catron describes how, by focusing on each other without distractions, asking questions designed to gradually increase their level of vulnerability, giving compliments, and then staring into each other’s eyes, these two people found they “ didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there”.

She concludes that:

• "It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time".
• "what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me"
• "it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive."
• "Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be."

Some of the solution focused practices used in the study that are clear to me:

• small steps lead to big changes 
• ask detailed questions
• notice what is best in a person
• pay compliments
• behavior change leads to emotional change.

the column:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1

the research it was based on based on:

http://www.stafforini.com/txt/Aron%20et%20al%20-%20The%20experimental%20generation%20of%20interpersonal%20closeness.pd

small slivers of change

I am a big fan the concept of small slivers of change, which means the right dose of the right intervention at the right frequency, and I mean often. Often enough, strong enough, manageable enough for change to become reality. We could be talking about dieting, exercise, or any behavior change someone expects to improve their life. 

A 12/31/14 article in the Well column in the New York Times about the "super short workout” and other fitness trends reported that small short bouts of intense activity (often called brief high intensity interval training) are more effective than longer, more sustained workouts. 

In a series of recent studies on brief workouts, both mice and humans having brief, intense repeated exertion experienced “more potent changes" than those doing less intense workouts. It’s like resting between sets of lifting weights. The studies showed changes at a cellular level that lead to larger healthy muscles.  An explanation for it the effectiveness of brief intense workouts was that for physical exercise to be effective, "sometimes you have to get out of your body's comfort zone". 

As with working out, for psychotherapy to be effective, you need to have a different experience and feel it in your body. You need to recognize the experience as a different state of being, and take it again (repeatedly), so you know it’s not just a fluke, something people mistake improvements for. 

A term use to I explain this phenomenon to couples I work with is the vacation effect. A struggling couple returns from vacation feeling reinvigorated and optimistic that things between them have changed, only to find the good feelings they had on vacation quickly fade, leaving them confused and discouraged a mere few days back into their normal routine.They want things to stay as they were on vacation

You can keep good things going. With careful questioning, you can discover what actually worked about being on vacation. It could be that you used your electronic devices less, had more privacy, or paid more attention to each other. Theses discoveries are different for everyone, and it’s best to take time to really look at what actually turned things around for you. Sometimes it’s not what you think. Sometimes it’s easier than you think.One couple discovered that preparing meals together lead to their talking more, which lead to them having sex again.

Careful questioning revealed which elements of the vacation could practically be put into into daily life,in small, frequent, intense doses, or intervals (back to that workout). It’s so worthwhile to have daily routines that work for you, so you’re not just waiting for another vacation for things to be good again.

New habits may seem hard to form but are actually easy, once you understand how they work. Recognize a new behavior, one that works for you. See what works about it. Remember how it feels. Do it again. Take it in. Repeat till it becomes your new normal. When you have small sliver of  a good habit inserted in to your everyday life, your perceptions change along with the your habits. And things keep getting better.

OUT OF CONTROL SEXUAL BEHAVIOR : beware of labels

When a client comes to me with this complaint, it is usually for one of these reasons:

- most of their recent sexual activity has been with porn, and now that they are with a new partner, they are having trouble connecting to that person

- their partner thinks they want too much sex, want the wrong kind of sex, or that they watch too much porn

- their partner caught them practicing non-consensual non monogamy 

- another therapist thinks they are a sex addict

- they are uncomfortable with or feel stigmatized by their desires. 

Because I practice solution focused brief therapy, a way of working that looks at  how clients will recognize a successful outcome for therapy, I don’t need to label a person to help them, and I don’t need to give them advice. I do need listen very attentively, and ask a series of carefully crafted questions to elicit precise descriptions of what things will be like they begin to improve, how they will know they are on the right track. Listening carefully for these clues inevitably leads to helpful conclusions. These are questions that will lead to improvement, descriptions of when things were better, and to pick up clues in what they say. 

While as a certified sex therapist I have must subject matter expertise, it is equally important for me to have expertise in relating to clients in a way that actually helps them. I have heard so many stories about experts who didn’t listen to clients, gave advice that didn’t apply to them, or talked down to them. It is only once I have truly understood how a client measures success that I can accurately point them to resources.

There is a a growing body of evidence (http://www.solutionfocused.net/research.html) to support the idea that asking someone solution focused questions is much more likely to help clients than telling them what to do. When this way of relating is backed up with knowledge of sexual and psychological health, my client and I have truly built a solution that works for them.