Couple Family and Sex Therapy NYC

COUPLE FAMILY & SEX THERAPY NYC

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Gracie Landes, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist will work with you to build solutions that fit you when you have:

the desire to improve any aspect of your life •  trouble adjusting to a new situation or life transition • conflicts that keeps you from being closer to people you care about • anxiety, lack of information or embarrassment about sex • questions about relationships or sexual health...

and you want to work with someone who is dedicated to providing counseling that is brief, respectful and effective, and to discovering what works

Open Realtionships: working with the unintentional polyamorist

Sometimes a person who truly feels wired for monogamy winds up with a partner who just doesn’t operate that way. The person who tries polyamory but doesn’t feel wired for it usually spends a lot of energy figuring out how to be polyamorous and may or may not take to it. For the person who truly experiences polyamory as an orientation, no matter how much they value or even prioritize one relationship, multiple relationships are rewarding enough to be worth the time and effort. They don’t experience it as a conflict or diminishment of one relationship to have others. They perceive there to be enough love and attention to go around. 

One way to think about this difference is that most people have a variety of friends, each of whom they share different aspects of themselves with: some share hobbies, some history, some an emotional or intellectual connection. Most people wouldn’t expect any one friend to be their only one, though some will be closer or easier than others. Some people prefer to have a wider circle of friends, some a few close ones. Yet there’s often an expectation that a spouse or primary partner fulfill the majority of the other person’s friendship and relationship slots. If both parties want that focus and are satisfied wth it, theres no problem. Then the biggest risk is that one person is no longer available, the other, having invested so much, feels truly bereft without them. 

Having the more polyamorous partner drift away can leave the more monogamous partner feeling bereft. For most people, regardless of orientation, the early stages of a new relationship are heady. Intense feelings of excitement and attraction aren’t easy contained. This phenomenon, called New Relationship Energy, will run course, but while it’s happening, the more monogamous partner is likely to feel left out, as more than likely they are being left out. Think about anytime you became very interested in something new and intriguing, be it a relationship, book, hobby, job. You likely spent a lot of time thinking and talking about it, looking forward to it, being happiest when you were involved with it. People around you were probably happy for you also feeling sad to be less important to you. The pull of new relationship energy can be obsessive enough to push out other interests. This is usually where the other person’s hurt feelings come form. Think about how easy it is for feel slighted when you are excluded from a friend activity you usually get invited to a nd suddenly you’re not. 

Sometimes, though, the person who’s drifting fails to realize how much loss the other person is experiencing. No one responds enthusiastically to being in a one-down position, especially when it’s not recognized as such. That is why early and ongoing negotiation are so important. Trouble can also start when the boundaries aren’t made clear, shifting too fast without re-negotiation. A classic example is a new relationship that seemed like it wouldn’t intrude on the existing one, but starts to. Maybe the new partner wants more time or energy than first expected. Maybe feelings change: the attachment become stronger than anyone expected. It happens. Everyone involved can feel it. 

Many polygamous people are able to divide their attention between more than one partner. For them, having more than one partner takes the pressure off one person to share everything with them. The person who isn’t interested in particularly hobby or practice isn’t forced to share it. But what if the more monogamous partner wants to share more? What if they are just more togetherness oriented, more inclined to focus on one person?

Knowing what a relationship is based on and the unique kind of energy that 's particular only to it, then feeding that energy is much more useful than a set of restrictive rules about what can’t be done. If you put enough of the right attention into one relationship in, you don’t have to take away from another. Most relationships are based on some combination of friendship, companionship, sexual chemistry, respect, affection, admiration, fun, common interests, shared goals, mutual support. People stay in a relationship to the extent that get as much or more out than they are put in. When that balance tilts, there’s likely to to be trouble. Better to think about what advantages can be brought to bear early on than struggle to repair damage after it’s been done.

The wise polyamorous partner learns to listens without defensiveness. They will find ways to invest in their relationship to avoid hurt feelings and wasted time processing events that needed more time, care and negotiation up front. They find what can be done to manage the imbalance and create a mutual exchange that feels fair, remembering that people enter into and stay in relationships that feel fair and mutual. Fairness is a reasonable thing for anyone in a relationship to expect. 

It does’t have to, and probably can’t be an exact exchange, but it should feel equivalent. The person a accepting the bargain must feel it was worth the price they paid. Maybe the more togetherness-oriented person wants more family time, more time to see other friends, so they don’t feel lonely. Maybe they need to be relieved of some chores. What’s important is that they gain something they value enough to compensate for their loss. That fairness is what fuels success. The person who wants less sex, but more of something else something else can request that their need for something else be met, just a the person who wants more sex but isn’t getting it in one relationship can, with the consent of all involved, get it elsewhere. 

The more careful listening, the more you  convey that you understand and and value other person’s point of view  the more likely you are to succeed. Then, no one is a relationship that requires them to cut off part of who they are.

 

Open relationships mean ongoing negotiations

As a therapist who often works with non-traditional lifestyles, I get a lot of calls from distressed clients struggling to navigate new relationship structures. The most common of these calls is from someone who thought they were in a monogamous relationship until their long term partner suddenly changed the game, unilaterally declaring the relationship open, their orientation polyamorous or something similar. To be clear, (which sudden game changers aren’t) polyamory is experienced by many people as a legitimate orientation and lifestyle...when it is practiced ethically, by mutual consent and ongoing negotiation. Real open or polyamorous relationships can exist only with trust, openness and ongoing negotiation. 

I work with many clients in open relationships because not enough therapists are familiar enough to work competently with this relationship structure. Such clients come to me with a variety of issues, often unrelated polyamory, simply because they know I won’t judge them.

Since both monogamy and polyamory are orientations (meaning the person didn’t choose to be that way), no monogamous or polyamorous individual should be criticized, shamed, belittled or coerced to change something they experience as innate. As therapist I think it’s important to make distinctions between a true orientation and sudden, unilateral or what could be called faux-polyamory, because of the harm it does, to unwitting participants and the concept of polyamory itself.

What follows is a typical scenario I see in my practice. A client comes in alone, trying to learn "how to become polyamorous” because their partner suddenly informed them of a wish to live that way. The client is a relationship they value, invested in and thought was stable. Now after learning otherwise, they:
- don’t know what to think, do, or or feel
- need a way to handle strong emotions they didn’t expect to be feeling
- are hurt, confused, especially if their partner was rational and persuasive about why they should accept this new arrangement
- want to find a way to hang on to the relationship
- don't want to be stigmatized, seen as uncool, controlling, inflexible or otherwise out-of-touch
- don’t want to feel stupid
- don’t want to be judged
- don’t know where to find reliable information
- read the book “Sex at Dawn" at their partner’s urging and are to open, if nervous, to see if can work.

Remember I said it can. Let’s start with how it fails though. Someone who sincerely invests their energy in a monogamous relationship by definition forgoes other relationships that could offer them other advantages. Entering into monogamy is an act of faith. It assumes neither person will break the agreement. There’s a tacit expectation that each person recognizes and accepts the opportunities gained and lost. When one person in such an agreement changes the game without warning, it’s a betrayal to this basic understanding and all that went with it: a lack of regard for their partner’s lost opportunities. In addition to the emotional toll taken, these lost opportunities might include housing (should someone now need to find a new place to live) finances (loss of shared resources), reproduction (when a woman loses precious time finding an appropriate partner to have children with), companionship (losing the time, attention and affection of a partner) and status (losing their position as primary partner). Most people wouldn’t accept such a loss without negotiation. The game changer appears to win by changing the rules mid-game. In most other contexts that’s recognized as cheating, and the person who breaks the rules doesn’t get to score. 

Shy should the winner take all when when they didn’t earn it? And why should there be such confusion, so many books, movies and internet site devoted to infidelity? Certainly It has become an common event, one that is no longer hidden, but talked, worried and obsessed over with great energy. For some the forbidden is thrilling and sexy. I know that there are a variety of relationship arrangements that can be compelling, sexy, and all the more energizing for the hard work, relentless honesty, competence, skill and self-knowledge they require of people.

Ethical non-mongamy involves confronting ongoing change, issues of fairness, shifting relationship dynamics, and a solid relationship with yourself. These are all skills one needs in any relationship, friendship or family. Whether you choose to leave a relationship that’s no longer working, or navigate a rapidly changing one, you will still retain your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself. Sometimes working with a therapist who gets all that can really help. 

In future posts I will write about people who made the right decisions for themselves, how they managed to practice ethical non-monogamy in ways that were right for them.

slow down your sex life to speed it up

Couples who eventually make it to see a trained sex therapist have usually been down the road of failed date nights, hokey mood music and sexy lingerie. They make to our offices discouraged and skeptical. Because of that and because the Internet is full of quick fixes that don't actually work, I'd like to discuss a slow one that does. Sensate focus exercises, designed by sex researchers Masters and Johnson, have been helping couples achieve greater sexual intimacy for decades. They do this paradoxically, by slowing people down and taking intercourse off the table for a while.

Here’s an broad overview of the steps:

- Disconnect from distractions like chores, TV, pets, children

- Refrain from recreational drugs or alcohol

- Spend about an hour alone with your partner 2-3 times a week, taking turns touching each other, focusing on your own sensations while you touch them, gradually adding in more mutual touch, more erotic touch, slowly building up to intercourse (or whatever you do that you call having sex, usually, but not necessarily some form of penetration), only when you are both ready, comfortable and confident. If that sounds hard to schedule, think about how you much time spend watching TV or surfing the internet looking for ways to spice your sex life.

- Between sessions, journal about what you are learning, talk to your partner about it, and notice how you are becoming intimately and erotically connected as a team in this joint project.

- Repeat and refine this process as directed by your sex therapist.

The actual instructions are very detailed, and with good reason: people easily get stuck in negative thoughts, misunderstandings and self-criticism. Slowing down and following instructions builds success into the process. It's best to work with a certified sex therapist who understands the process well enough to coach you through it and troubleshoot any difficulties you may experience.

Here’s why it works so well:

By allowing you to rediscover your natural curiosity in an an open, exploratory, non-pressured way, free from negative evaluation, you experience touch in a new way. Disconnecting sex and touching your partner from negative evaluation, you can become more able to enjoy pleasurable sensations again, negotiate how each of you does and doesn’t like to be touched and associate your partner and sex with openness and freedom. Think of it as mindfulness meditation for your sex life.

On just another mardi Gras day

The more things change the more they stay the same. Here's some classic music to appreciate this Mardi Gras day. Oh so long ago, the only way black people in New Orleans could mask at Carnival was to dress as American Indians. The connection between them was strong. Listen and be amazed at how Big Chief Jolly (George Landry) and crew made this classic recording that sounds so perfect in one take, all the musicians together in one room playing off each other. So grateful this moment was preserved:
https://www.wwoz.org/blog/201101

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More on the ongoing "sex addiction" controversy

I am heartened that I have  colleagues who continue to find ways to address this contentious issue, who are not willing to accept easy answers, who are dedicated, like I am to discovering what works, and to being opening to new information:

http://www.self.com/story/sex-addiction-treatment-therapy

Shame doesn't work

This  New York Magazine (published 1/31/17) is an important contribution to the conversation about how to treat sexual compulsions, especially about the fact that shaming people is counterproductive. While that may seem obvious, a lot of providers haven't caught up to the research:

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/01/should-shame-be-used-to-treat-sexual-compulsions.html?mid=fb-share-scienceofus

Now more than ever people need the facts about sex

Marty Klein's article on how facts should shape public policy especially about sexuality is worth reading. I spend a lot of time in my practice undoing the damage done by ignorancee about human sexuality:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sexual-intelligence/201701/president-trump-here-are-actual-facts-about-sex

Where i came from

The sounds of the fife and drum pulled me away from what I was doing like the insistent memory it was - one that keeps saying "don't forget where you came from". So, like I first did years ago, I left to follow the sounds of my ancestors. 

Long ago, a kindly neighbor, (perhaps sensing my dilemma) took me to see my first St. Patricks Day Parade. I was a quirky 5 year old who sensed, but couldn't know the closet my parents were trapped in. All I knew was that something was off at home, that I adored art, music and dance, and that no one around me looked or acted like me. So I was beside myself to see people whose skin and hair looked like mine. I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sight red haired men wearing skirts and making music.

Days ago, just like years ago, a marshall at a bandstand said to the crowd: "We need to know our history so it can be told correctly." Years ago when I wanted to know where I came from, I would learn that "in this house we don't discuss those things". The day my mother slapped me for asking where the red hair came from was the day my I resolved to keep asking questions, despite the consequences. Why don't I look like anyone else in the family? What's wrong with dying the slipcovers purple? Why shouldn't men wear skirts? 

I would go on to make friends with people who like me, who were not easily categorized: artists, odd balls, queers, trans and other mixed-race kids. It would take years to discover the family secrets, years to put what l discovered to good use. 

An accident took me from a career in the arts one in psychotherapy, a career I was reluctant to enter, not for lack of a desire to help, but from a deep discomfort with the privilege it conferred. I cringed at the mainstream cliches of psychotherapy, unable to accept that being gay or kinky were diagnosable conditions requiring treatment. Once I entered the field, without ever asking for it to happen, kinky, quirky, queer, trans bi and other not easily categorized clients found me. Some of my colleagues judged me harshly for my support of sexual minorities. 

I found solace and legitimacy in research. Deeply uncomfortable with popular image of the psychotherapist as a distant, judgmental expert and still obsessed with finding my ancestors, I found them in Family Therapy, a discipline separate and distinct from mainstream psychotherapy, its roots in biology and systems theory. Within the lineage of Family Therapy I found Solution Focused Brief Therapy, a way of working that matched who I am and how I think, characterized by curiosity, respect for clients and an unshakeable faith in their ability to discern what works for them. I was relieved to learn that Solution Focused therapists asked useful questions like:

- What really helps clients?

- What do they want?

- What does it look like? 

- What differences would it make in their lives if it happened? 

Using these question meant I didn't need to be an expert in anything but asking questions. Work got easier. My own history started to make sense, and can be told correctly. 

I absolutely love a parade.  

Partly French

It has been a week. I've been watching the the reports from France and remembering.

Out to dinner, one of my companions, surveying the menu asks "what is gateau?” Cake, I say without hesitation.  Some one else asks are you French? Partly, I say, also without hesitation. I explain that I grew up listening to it, and try to stop there. It’s complicated and I don’t always want to explain how I developed an ear for language listening to my partly white, partly black, french-speaking English teacher father, who sometimes spoke proper French, sometimes a partly-French partly-German version spoken in Alsace-Lorraine. 

I remember one day teaching, during a first day of class introduction exercise a young woman introduced herself saying she was nervous to be speaking in class, because she is French. Another young woman jumped up to admonish her “What kind of French girl are you, saying you are nervous? You have to be strong and show people what we are all about!" They became fast friends and represented their culture well all semester.

Watching the people of France surge back to cafes and restaurants as an act of defiance, I remember some of my father's defiance.  I remember how he refused to compromise his integrity to get ahead.  I remember his admonitions: always do your best, don't settle for mediocrity, but also manage to...enjoy the moment. I remember going with my father to small, good restaurants for fresh crab, or clams, to a good play or an exhibit that wasn't well known. I remember how a raised eyebrow from him conveyed that certain popular books, music or films I was eagerly consuming were somehow not all they could be. I learned not to make a statement I couldn't back up, not to accept a theory that couldn't be explained in plain language, not take things at face value.  I learned to be skeptical and discerning, without losing any of my enthusiasm. 

I learned growing up in a household with one biracial parent and one bisexual one that few things are as they seem, and that people who are not easily categorized must be careful who they reveal their identities to. I remember the first time client called me in tears to ask if I could work with her without judging her sexual practices. I remember wondering what was wrong with my (then new) profession that she had to ask such a question.

Today as I eagerly consume research to understand what really helps clients, I must remain skeptical that some theory is all it claims to be. There is too much at stake.  I can't forget how my parents, friends and clients have suffered defying easy categorization. There are many ways to be defiant. Mine is to not accept things at face value, to always do my best and to...enjoy the moment. I am partly French after all. 

Being a champion in your own life

It’s championship season, and I have been thinking and reading about athletic performance. I have long been fascinated by the concept of the champion. I just finished the book The Art of Mental Training by DC Gonzalez and want to share some of what’s in it.

Champion athletes know that after enough physical skill training, their best performances come from having the correct mental attitude, which includes working with disappointment and failure.  A champion performer in any field is one who has learned to control their mental attitude, knows what they are feeling (good and bad) but does not give in to negativity.

Any event you engage in will have it’s own event-energy that will mix with what is already going on in your head. The more consistently you exercise effective self-belief, positive internal self-talk, focus, and create a proper mental climate, the better you will be equipped to handle whatever event energy comes at you. An ideal mental climate means understanding how your mental state effects your performance, and being able to shift into mental states that help you perform effectively.

Effective mental states help you achieve control by creating an expectation you will succeed. This means understanding and taking the necessary steps to succeed, focusing on the things that need to be done more than the end result. Doing this creates optimism and positive mental energy, energizes you to take action. This is not wishful thinking, it turning information into action, to create a mental edge.

In order to work with unwanted emotions like nervousness, anger, or fear, anyone wishing to become a champion needs a mixture of knowledge, tools and techniques they can draw on instantly.

When things seem stressful:

Remain task-focused, interrupt any negative self talk and images as soon as they arrive. Shut them down at once, replacing them with positive self talk, showing your brain exactly how you will  achieve what you want. This should include recovering from any setbacks. This earned self belief is real, as it comes from you concentrating on developing your own competence.

When you experience a disappointment:

Don’t brush it aside. Allow yourself to feel the emotions run through your body in real time, so they won’t keep coming back at you later. Your emotions will surface and subside like waves, so let them run their course, then let them go. Learn something from what happened. As you get more proficient at surfing your emotions like this, you will develop the facility to recognize what you need to do to work with disappointments and losses.

When you experience anger:

Recognize you don’t need to act on it, and often you shouldn’t. Use the energy it give you to focus on positive actions.

 

What distinguishes average players (in any realm) from champions is that champions have trained themselves to do execute these skills as a reflex. To create a mental edge, you must also consistently practice mental skills and pre-event routines to tap your full potential so the are available when you need them.

World soccer champion Pele had a pre-game routine that helped him redefine the sport of soccer. 

Pele’s pre game routine:

- Arrive an hour early and relax in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Close and cover  your eyes.

- Find an internal place you can go to rehearse, visualize, and prepare to perform by playing and watching your own mental highlight tapes of past (and future) successes.

- Watch a film in your mind’s eye of your past successes and happy times, vividly recalling the sensations, emotions and most important, the love of your endeavor.

- Allow yourself to experience a flood of positive emotions, enthusiasm, and engagement.

- Connect with love you feel for your goal, the physical sensations and positive emotions associated with developing competence, and succeeding at something you love.

- See yourself overcoming any adversity by visualizing the specific steps you took to manage your anxiety, recover from mistakes, remain focused and in control.

- Then, visualize what you are about to do well, practicing specific moves and actions again and again, feeling the sensations that go with them, allowing yourself to physically and emotionally experience your own hard won competence.

- If you do not yet feel competent, visualize yourself taking steps to get there.

Here is a more detailed routine you can use to train yourself to keep doing what you need to do.

The big 3Breathe, Relax and Imagine

Breathe deeply

- Draw the air in through your nose, taking it in slowly and deeply to the bottom of your lungs while expanding your diaphragm to make room for it.

- Hold the air for a moment.

- Then slowly let allow it out of your lungs by drawing your diaphragm in, with you mouth slightly open and your tongue on the roof of your mouth, resting just behind your front teeth.

- Just observe your body while doing this, and, if thoughts come to you, let them go and focus on your breathing. The thoughts will subside as you continue to let them go. 

- The more you focus on your breath and body, the more quiet your mind will become. 

With practice, you can focus on your breathing without effort, even in the midst of other activities. With practice, you can achieve mental control at any moment in time. Once you build this habit, it will be available to you for as long as you continue practicing it. 

RELAX DEEPLY

Your practice of deep breathing will allow you to enter deep relaxation whenever you choose.

- Move to a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed or distracted.

- Be sure you can maintain a comfortable state (no tight clothing, temperature not too hot or cold) before proceeding.

- Lie down your back with your feet apart and your hands slightly away from your body.

- Fix your eyes on point above you on the ceiling.

- Staying as still as you can, remembering how you learned to relaxing breaths, take 3 long, slow, deep breaths, inhaling each through your nose, holding it briefly before you exhale it through your slightly open mouth.

- As you gently let go of each of the 3 breaths, allow your eyelids to slowly close.

- For the next 10 breaths, imagine your eyelids getting heavier and heavier as your relaxation deepens. 

- Mentally repeat the word “deeper” to yourself each time you exhale, letting letting any thoughts and tensions that may arise dissolve with the breath as it leaves your body.

- Allow your self to go deeper into relaxation with each exhalation.

- Should your mind drift, gently bring your attention back to your breath.

- Continue breathing and repeating “deeper” slowly to yourself until you have finished these 10 deepening breaths.

- Next, focus your attention on relaxing the muscles of every part of your body.

- Start with you toes, and begin slowly moving up your body, as total relaxation takes over.

- Focus on relaxing each muscle in your body from your toes, to your calves, thighs, abs, chests, back, arms, shoulders, neck, face, head and scalp.

- As you visualize each muscle relaxing, allow yourself to feel a deep wave of relaxation flowing deeply into all your muscles, though your entire body. Allow yourself to go deeper into relaxation with each breath you take. 

- Don’t try to rush or force anything, just allow your muscles to become loose, and yourself to relax naturally as you drop into total relaxation. 

IMAGINE

Deep breathing and relaxation, when used in conjunction with mental imagery (see the Pele Principle, above), allows your wise inner or subconscious mind to help you get what you want. Show your mind through images and feelings what you seek to accomplish. As you feed you mind these movies of success, it will set out to help you accomplish your goals by keeping you motivated and focused. 

- As you allow yourself drift in a the state of deep relaxation for around twenty minutes, imagine watching a movie in which you are the main character.

- See yourself immersed in doing the work, taking the steps that will result in your achieving your goals. See yourself practicing what you need to learn to get there, making adjustments and improving your skills. Focus in detail on the process you must take to achieve outcome, not the outcome itself.

- Accept this image of yourself working towards your goals diligently, with focus and enthusiasm, as the truth. Show your deeper mind the images and feelings associated with what you want to achieve. 

After 20 minutes of this success conditioning, you can slowly bring yourself back to full awareness by letting your eyelids open, inhaling, and stretching. Then, imagine a staircase with 5 steps going up. See yourself slowly walking up each of the 5 steps; at each step becoming more awake, alert and refreshed. At the top step, imagine yourself ready to go on with your day.

Self help that make sense, part 1: obsessed with habits

I have long been fascinated by self help books and articles, looking for ideas  that anyone can implement. These ideas from blogger Tynan, author of the book Superhuman by Habit, are are so simple they are they profound. I want to share how some of them apply to relationships.

Your life gets screwed up worse by bad habits than having bad things happen to you.

A single piece of cake won’t make you fat. Habitual overeating will. One drink doesn’t create an alcoholic, a lifetime of drinking does. A single missed payment doesn’t ruin someone’s credit but a lifetime of not paying bills will, just like a lifetime of regular saving actually works.  Fighting the same fight over and over with your partner absolutely doesn’t work. Same for blaming others for your problems or trying to get them to change, things many of my clients struggle with when they first come in.

You are what you do.

Not what you aspire to. You actually change your identity when you develop good habits.

If you want to run a marathon, you do it by getting out there and running, not talking about it or buying gear. If you want to run, run. That’s how you become a runner. If you want to write, write. Not once, but daily. Till it becomes a habit, till it’s just what you do. It’s that simple.

A few good habits put your decision-making process on autopilot.

When you have good habits, things go well for you more often, and you know what to do, from experience. When you develop good work habits, your career becomes rewarding. When you develop good relationship habits, you no longer waste time having the same fight over and over. Good habits are easier to maintain as time passes: as you succeed, you have more energy to keep doing what works.

Life is easier when you take responsibility

When you make the effort to do the right thing, you become free from wasting time focusing on others, wanting them to do what you want them to, trying to get them to change. When you do you, things go right more of the time. There are no guarantees you will always get what you want, but when you focus on what you can do, not what others aren’t doing for you, your path becomes clear.

Don’t avoid effort

If you are learning something and it’s hard, go towards it. Your effort will be rewarded as you learn master this and future challenges. You spend as much energy avoiding a task (which only makes you feel bad) as mastering it (which makes you feel great). The person who is afraid of water wastes a lifetime avoiding the water. The person who breaks it down and learns to swim gains more than the ability to swim, they gain the ability to learn.

Reward the effort, not the outcome

Outcomes are not in your direct conrol, but your process is. When you have a process that works for you, it is always available. When school children are rewarded for grades, they don’t how to learn to think, or study. So, focus on process and learn to solve problems. When you develop a good process, you don’t need an elaborate reward because having the process is it’s own reward. I’ve worked with couples who stubbornly swore they would only change once their partner did: only get married if the other person promised to have a child with them, stop fighting, make more money, you name it. For hose who get paralyzed looking for a guaranteed outcome they can’t get, the real loss comes from refusing to work on themselves.

Start now, and just keep going.

A huge predictor of success is how soon people start a project after deciding on it. Those who start soon after deciding to do something do better at it than those who put it off. I’ve seen people complain that things only go well…by chance, when conditions are right, etc. Conditions are rarely right enough. I’ve seen people walk away from any number of workable relationships in search for the perfect partner, and I’ve seen arranged marriages work brilliantly. 

Learn from your mistakes.

Mistakes feel bad, especially when there are consequences. Still, those who choose learn from failed relationships more often than not go on to build healthy ones. So, if you fail, do not stop! Failure is an opportunity to learn. Those who stumble learning a new skill often get better at it than those who get it right the first time, because they train themselves to make needed adjustments. Learning from your mistakes will take you from pass/fail to a world of options.

Don’t give up

If you give up, your brain will figure out you don’t have go do tough things. So, figure out what your error was and how to correct it. When you get clear how well you are doing and how to do better,  you build a self sustaining process that keeps working and can be applied to all challenges:  “ a universal framework for training yourself”.  Ok, now, get going.

a solution focused way to fall in love with anyone

I wanted to share a New York Times Modern Love column "To Fall in Love With Anyone,  Do This”  by  Mandy Lin Catron that describes practices that can be called solution focused.

Catron describes how she and her (now) partner, already somewhat interested in each other, got much closer and eventually fell in love, using some of these instructions:

  • "alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of  your partner, a total of 5 things"
  •  “tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met”.

They took turns asking each other questions from an original study by Dr. Arthur Aron, which describes "a practical methodology for creating closeness" in which pre-selected pairs of college students carry out a series self-disclosing and relationship-building tasks of gradually increasing intensity (small steps).

The study describes how practices that could be considered solution focused were used to create closeness in a short (45 minute) time frame. The instructions begin: "We believe that the best way for you to get close to your partner is for you to share with them and for them to share with you.” and goes on to discuss how closeness produced in the studies "seems similar in many important ways to the felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time", defining closeness as “including other in the self”, an interconnectedness of self and other, a process in which people feel “validated, understood and cared for”.

Catron describes how, by focusing on each other without distractions, asking questions designed to gradually increase their level of vulnerability, giving compliments, and then staring into each other’s eyes, these two people found they “ didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there”.

She concludes that:

  • "It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time".
  • "what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me"
  • "it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive."
  • "Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be."

Some of the solution focused practices used in the study that are clear to me:

  • small steps lead to big changes 
  • ask detailed questions
  • notice what is best in a person
  • pay compliments
  • behavior change leads to emotional change.

the column:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1

the research it was based on based on:

http://www.stafforini.com/txt/Aron%20et%20al%20-%20The%20experimental%20generation%20of%20interpersonal%20closeness.pd